The Conversationalist

There are a million great reasons to travel. But let’s be honest here folks, one of the most popular motives for meandering to a different corner of the planet is to sample the carnal offerings that this big and diverse world has to offer. I’m talking about sex, or, as my father calls it, “boinking”.

Travel and sex go together like trains and tunnels. It’s no wonder that our sexual analytics spike when travelling. When we’re out there on the road, we admit a different kind of energy: our eyes shimmer brighter, our smiles become a bit sunnier and our skin radiates in irresistible ways — Fifty Shades of Let’s Fuck. In fact, many travellers are the physical embodiments of sex.

Bless the traveller’s wind-swept body.

However, when engaged in social or sexual situations, there are behaviors that are beneficial for you, your potential poonj partner and the surrounding setting. If we all respect some simple guidelines, the world becomes a much more agreeable place to be, and we diminish the chances of spoiling a sojourn. So listen up.

Here are some very important sex etiquette tips for travellers.

DO have sex. Because it’s generally a wonderful thing.

DON’T get pregnant or contract an STI (sexually transmitted infection). Nothing ruins a holiday faster than raging case of gonorrhea. And morning sickness will put a damper on your yearlong backpacking adventure.

DO use protection. If you have a problem understanding, see my previous point.

DON’T give up on sex if you don’t have protection. There are still many titillating low-risk activities that can be achieved without a condom. Such as mutual masturbation. That’s hot. Or mammary intercourse (aka the old’ titty-fuck). It’s a great alternative option to vaginal or anal sex. If you’re cravin’ penetration, use fingers instead of a penis. Furthermore, in terms of reducing risk of HIV transmission, oral sex is generally thought to be lower risk than other sex practices. Remember that outercourse can be as adventurous as intercourse. Just get creative, my little horny vagabonds!

DO be prepared. Pack condoms and your preferred lubricant before you travel.  Availabilities of sex-related products vary from nation to nation and from urban locations to rural locations.

DON’T travel without an extra supply of contraceptive pills. Unless you’re a dude. Then you can move on to the next point, especially if you’re Dutch.

DON’T have sex in the hostel dormitory room. Even if I have earplugs to block the noise, I really don’t want to be awoken to the smell of some grubby Dutchman’s spooge. Gross.

DO use a private bathroom if you’re in a hostel situation and are blessed with the opportunity for a quick fuck. But be sure to lock the door. And after you’re finished bumpin-n-grindin, do a swift semen scan before you leave. Mop up muck-puddles with a bit of toilet paper. It’s all about common decency people.

DON’T be too shy or cheap to upgrade to a private room. If you end up with a quality lover, chances are you’ll want multiple rounds of boinking. Plus, with a private room, you’ll get undisturbed morning cuddling time. If you know of better ways to spend money than renting a room for sex and cuddling, feel free to share.

[FUN FACT BREAK] “Sex and Travel” is actually the name of the second album by English 90′s band Right Said Fred. It received absolutely no critical acclaim.

DO be culturally sensitive. In some places, such as United Arab Emirates, even heterosexual public displays of affection are socially unacceptable. Bottle up all the sexual tension, and then release the caged beast in the hotel room. Roar.

DO use discretion when hooking up with people via social networking websites (such as CouchSurfing) or location-based mobile apps (such as Blendr). Always arrange to meet in public spaces. If you feel uncomfortable, act increasingly crazy until you scare the other person away.

DON’T disclose the location of your accommodation (unless you’re bringing someone back to your room). Take a taxi home from any evening activities.

DO eat local. And I’m not talking about food.

DON’T get so drunk or high that you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re not just putting yourself in danger; you’re also creating a really shitty atmosphere for everyone else. So keep it together.

And my final two points…

DON’T have sex because you think you ‘ought’ to have sex while travelling. There should be no pressure. I spent a year travelling and happened to have only two sexual partners. It’s not a competition. There are no quotas to be filled. Just do what feels right for you.

DO be safe. You need to return home in one piece to flaunt your stories to your friends.

Remember that adventure is not just about geographical exploration. Go discover new frontiers: physical and erotic. There are multiple ways in which love and sexuality can be expressed. Have fun. And most importantly, be good to one another.

Got any other guidelines? Leave them in the comment section!

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BONUS SECTION: SEX TOURISM!

I cannot address the subjects of sex and travel without a brief statement on sex tourism. Sex tourism is travel with the specific intent of having sex, and usually involves the commercialization of erotic experiences, including the exchange of money with sex workers. It is said to be a multibillion-dollar industry that supports an international workforce estimated to number in the millions. Southeast Asia and Latin America are prominent locations in the sexpat scene, with Brazil and Thailand receiving special nods. Female sex tourism is often ignored due to the significantly lower rates in comparison to male sex tourism, but is supposedly on the rise (a testament to shifting gender roles).

In theory I am not opposed to the idea of exchanging money for sex. I’m all for two consenting adults self-regulating the way they wish to interact with each other, whether that is an innocent discussion of the weather while standing in a playground or, on the other end of the spectrum, the negotiation of anal fisting in a bondage setting. I wish not to interfere.

The situation of ‘paid sex’ becomes more complex when elements of race, wealth, class, gender and age are incorporated into the equation; the concept of ‘consent’ becomes increasingly blurred. Ultimately, if you’re going to a location to pay for sex, proceed with utmost caution. You might just be perpetuating deeply seeded social inequities.

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