ONE YEAR OF TRAVEL: THESE ARE THE FEARS
Friday morning. With bags packed and passport in hand, I stand in the hallway of my apartment of seven years and permit myself to feel the magnitude of my decision to renounce a stable, comfortable life to spend one year traveling across the world.
The tears stream down my face as I shuffle through the apartment, saying a final quiet thank you to the hollow spaces. There’s the desk overlooking Boulevard Saint-Laurent in my office. The living room where numerous vinyl dance parties were celebrated. My bedroom, where my big duvet covered bed was home to the lustiest of times and the loneliest of times. And the kitchen, the heart of my apartment, where the late-night conversations were more delicious than anything I might have ever cooked. Each room a chapter in the story of my twenties.
I knew this would be hard. But this is the cost of leaving, I tell myself.
With all the possessions that I’ll need for a year in my backpack, I wave down a taxi, head out to the airport and quietly make my exit from Montreal.
PRE-JOURNEY STOP OVER
The weekend is spent in San Francisco, before heading to family in Victoria for the holidays (my trip officially starts on January 1). On Saturday night, a small gathering of five friends crowds around a table in the cutest of bistros just south of Nob Hill. We sip Italian wine and share creatively crafted Californian plates, and we laugh unabashedly. There will inevitably be points in the coming months where I will want nothing more than to feel the proximity of loved ones. I desperately try to absorb the intimate joy of the moment.
Over post-dinner gin and tonics, my friend Ashley, who has generously appointed herself captain of my cheerleading team, turns to me and says, “Daniel, I’m so excited to see where you will go and who you’ll meet and what you will eat. But to be honest, I’m also really curious to hear about your fears. I want to know what they are and how you’ll navigate them.”
When it comes to questions posed to me about my trip, the popular inquiry is about my destinations or my trajectory, which makes perfect sense considering a travel-based project such as mine. But for Ashley, as she admittedly jostles with her own big life decisions, she simply wants a reference point from someone else who is in the flux of reconfiguring life.
How does one deal with the fear of change?
There shall be no shame in asking this question.
RATIONAL, OR NOT
There are certain fears that one might infer when pondering the idea of long-term international travel. Many of these fears I recognize, but for one reason or another do not resonate on any sort of debilitating level. For instance, I’m not specifically afraid of being lonely, for loneliness has been present when I was not traveling. I’m not afraid of having my camera or computer or personal items stolen, I have mentally prepared myself for this to occur at some point during the journey. I’m not afraid of being hungry or without shelter, as I have a general faith that my fellow humans will provide for me at my most vulnerable moments. I’m not afraid of being hijacked and murdered by disgruntled Columbian terrorists because, well, I’m not planning on going to Columbia. I generally believe that anything tragic that could happen to me on the road could also happen to me (in some form or another) crossing the street in my hometown.
So what are the fears?
My greatest concerns revolve more around what will happen to me after my travels. These fears are most relatable, I feel. Such as, how will I financially support myself in the future? Who will take care of me if I become permanently ill? Will I ever reestablish the wonderful and illusive trifecta of employment, apartment and friends I had somehow been fortunate to obtain in Montreal before leaving? How do I deal with all the unknowns of life?
I guess what I’m arriving to is the idea that travel is not that scary. But life is.
And if I am forced to really focus on travel-related fears, I suppose there is one great concern. It reads like this: In the “me-centric” pursuit of this dream, I fear the dynamics of my relationships with family and friends will change. I’m afraid that this absence is asking too much from them. I fear challenging my loved ones to the point where I might be held at arms length because of my unavailability. I fear people might feel slighted because I do not give enough.
Rational, or not, that is what’s happening in my heart.
FEAR VERSUS PERSONAL PROFIT
So, I move forward. Putting relationships to the test. Prioritizing “individual” over “community.” Wondering who will still be cheering me on after this journey. Breaking my mother’s heart, once again. Feeling intuitively guided, and making few apologies for my decisions.
And in my moments of self-doubt and wondering if I’m making the right life decisions, it helps to bring out the old “scale of life.” Each time I balance the concerns of leaving versus the potential personal profits, when I weigh the prospective gains against the conceivable costs, the scale keeps pointing to a simple (minimally fear-laced) sentiment:
Go. For. It.
Thinking of you at the dawn of your big adventure and wishing you many, many possibilities–with true presence to fully experience each and every one of them!
=) =)
-T
regarding your fears, daniel, there are things i intuitively know:
1. you will not become permanently ill (well, not for a long, long time, like mid to late century). you are more likely to be the nurse, rather than the patient;
2. your financial future is connected to this trip; and
3. mother’s hearts were made to be broken.
you are an inspiration!
xxx
Think of your journey through the lens of the new digital scales as opposed to the old-school scale of justice which project a balance between two weights.
The new digital versions just give you a # that says “this is where you are right now.”
That number may go up tomorrow, it may go down, it may stay the same. And our ability to influence that outcomes changes based on the choices we make each day and often, the way our body itself seems to choose how to react.
I have a hunch the fears and concerns you mention are the same.
Daniel, you are much braver than I. I think what you are doing is the epitome of awesome. I’ll be sure to follow each and every blog post and enjoy living vicariously through you while hopefully becoming stronger and planning my own Next Step.
Good luck to you, and Merry Christmas!
Hi Daniel. I’ve followed you through Facebook for over a year now. This relationship started when I visited Montreal for the second time in my life in May 2009. When I moved to the States for my graduate studies, I had the same fear of changed relationships. But as it happened, I gained new ones that have remained to this day. Your blood relatives will always be there. And the relathionships that have come to you by chance, will change regardless of whether you stay still or not. So move on and enjoy! By the way, if your travels bring you to Puerto Rico, drop a line!
While traveling abroad can bring up many different cultures and lifestyles. In the end, we are all human. There will be places you will travel to that seem more familiar and comforting and also the flip side of that. You seem like such a gracious human that I cannot fathom any disappointments on this journey.
I will eagerly read all of you updates and maybe at times even with a little jealously.
Enjoy you holiday and just remember that right now,it is summer in another part of our earth.
Daniel,
I have been a fan of you ever since I met you in Montreal with the NLGJA student project. Your photos and links have given me laughter while your blog posts have given me inspiration, hope and excitement for the future as someone to look up to since I am just in my young twenties. It is like a heartfelt conversation with an old friend; between you and my own inner thoughts, fears and dreams. I wish you the best in your travels and dealing with the unknowns in life. I look forward to continually following you around the world, reading and seeing your adventures and getting a glimpse inside your mind and soul, throughout the next year and until you can no longer blog.
ps- I’m a little jealous
This is awesome, Daniel… have an amazing trip; I for one can speak to the power of doing this kind of thing. Look forward to hearing about your adventures!
Daniel…what an exciting adventure! I hope you find what you’re looking for and have a kick-ass time as you do it. Look forward to reading your updates. xo
Having just returned from two years of travel, I can tell you that some of your fears will become a reality. You will essentially be putting your life on hold for a year (two in my case) but your friends’ lives will continue on without you and when you return you’ll be a relative stranger to all but your closest and dearest.
But I can assure you that while people will have changed during your absence (including you) getting to know each other again is one of the greatest joys I’ve ever experienced.
As for your family, well, they’re they same no matter how long you go away for.
Safe travels and I look forward to following your adventures on here.
Brad